An update of sorts

I've have a hard time blogging lately.  I want to get my thoughts out, but I've been overwhelmed with life in general, and I just can't get the words right.  But, I figured at least an update would do. 

1)  My Dad - He had a couple of scans last week, and the doctor came dancing in the room with the results.  His scans all appear clear of cancer.  The lumps he was feeling recently as the swelling in his legs decreased are just fluid pockets.  Speaking of the swelling.... he has been going to a lympadema clinic daily for weeks now, getting his legs wrapped with compression bandages from the foot to the hip.  Each toe even has to be wrapped separately.  It is a rather tedious process, but it is working!  His body is learning to flush itself of the extra fluids.  He has ordered compression stockings, which he'll wear daily for the rest of his life.  Hoping those arrive this week.   

2) Alaina - Alaina is pottying!  I haven't bought a pack of diapers in well over a week.  I declared this house to be diaper-free.  So, she can wear a diaper or pull up at bedtime and nap but all other times she wears panties.  She also spends quite a bit of nakie time.  I told her she could wear diapers/pullups at the babysitters and Daddy's house, but not here.  She transitioned well into that idea, and has begun using the potty at the other houses too. Yesterday she only needed one pullup at the babysitters because she used the potty all day.  I'm so proud of her and glad that we are making this transition.  

3)  Paige - What to say about Paige..... well she is in that tweendom stage that is so exasperating and energizing all at the same time.  We have those moments where we can't stand each other and have to be in separate rooms, and then the others where she can't wait to share with me all of the secrets and stories of her life, and just talks a mile a minute.  She brought home her progress report from school yesterday, and there are a few grades she could be working harder on.  I'm going to start requiring a little more effort on the school front.  

4) Chelcie - We talk to Chelcie every week, and I miss her dearly.  She is doing very well though - so I'm glad she is in the environment that she is.  Her grades are great - she is studying hard and really putting forth the effort it needs.  She will be turning 16 yrs old in a few weeks, and I just can't believe my baby is growing up so fast.  

5) My Mom - She is retiring!  December 31st is the official day.  I'm so happy for her to make this transition so she can enjoy traveling and all the crafts she loves.  My parents are planning to spend the entire month of February in Florida at my grandmother's house and are also crossing their fingers for tickets to the presidential inauguration in January.

6) The Economy - Wow... what to say.  It is taking its toll on so many, and the state government is no exception.  Work has been crazy as we look at ways to cut costs without hurting programs, a very difficult task.  And, for my personal economic issues... I'm planning on taking a second job very soon.  Still looking and trying to find one that will fit my schedule.  This paycheck-to-paycheck stuff is for the birds!

So, that is the general update on life!  Now that I've caught up, I might actually keep bloggin!   

A million changes

My life has changed in a million ways since my last blog entry. All the changes have kept me from writing, because it just seems so overwhelming - but if I'm ever to blog again, I must get this done. So here goes - in a nutshell this is what has happened since the last entry:

1. Chelcie came back home to live.
2. I took a much-needed vacation with just the girls and I to colorado to visit friends.
3. My dad had surgery - 10 hours! to remove the cancer.
4. My dad got two infections and had to be readmitted to the hospital.
5. My parents spent about 5 weeks in Houston for my dad's treatment.
6. School started.
7. Chelcie got in trouble with a boy and her dad sent her back to live with her mom in Texas.
8. Paige celebrated her 12th birthday.
9. Palmer and I are getting a divorce.
10. Palmer moved out.
11. I'm redecorating my home and reclaiming my space

Whew. That was a lot. Now you know what has transpired in my life. I'll try to start blogging again on the little things in life and changes that transpire.

3 weeks....

We've been on somewhat of a rollercoaster with my Dad.

Just three weeks ago - we were all getting some good news about my Dad's cancer. His PET scan showed that his tumor was shrinking. The chemo had worked - and surgery was scheduled.

How quickly things can change.

My Dad felt a lump in one of his original tumor sites, and some pain along with it. Another PET scan was done - with bad results. The cancer had returned in the site that was previously removed - and the other tumor had grown.

In just three short weeks, we've gone from success to sadness.

I spent some time with my mom yesterday - and I asked her how she was feeling - where her mind was at. Now - my mom is a very strong woman - very rational - often lacking in emotion - but not in a bad way. She is just a very logical thinker. So - to see her cry is hard for me. It is not a common sight.
Her answer to me was that part of her is thinking about what is coming next and planning to go to Houston for surgery. The other part of her is (and this is where her voice choked) thinking about how her life will be without Don.

It made me so sad to hear that - to imagine how hard it will be if we lose my Dad. My parents have a very deep true love. They've been together for 41 years. I can't imagine my mom having to live her life without my Dad. Who will she be if she has to live without him?

These are thoughts I don't want to have. I don't want to imagine this as the result.

Last night my mom and I talked about how to be realistic while at the same time how to have faith that he'll beat this. It is a hard balance to try to find. It is a conversation I believe we'll have many times...

A spiritual moment

I had a spiritual moment today. It came as quite a shock to me, as I have not been actively pursuing my faith and have actually really been struggling with my basic belief in God. I've not prayed in a very long time and have been focusing instead on sending positive thoughts to others when they are needed.

A little bit of background.... I've not felt comfortable at my home church for over 2 years - almost three now. But, I continued to attend for the benefit of my big girls. They'd formed lots of relationships there and it is the only church home they've known. They continued to attend church even when I stopped, getting rides with various friends. I supported their beliefs and appreciated that they respected the space I needed, even though they had no real knowledge of why I wasn't attending church with them.

So, yesterday, my dad mentioned that he'd be preaching today. For those who don't know, he is a retired ordained minister. I haven't heard him preach in quite some time, and I miss it. It is one of the primary reasons that I've struggled with my faith as an adult. My faith was always associated to my father, and after his retirement - it was difficult for me to find my own path.

I decided to join him at church. He attends a very progressive church that is more open and affirming then any church I've visited. I attended alone - I wanted a chance to really pay attention to the service without the distraction of my children.

His sermon was wonderful. He preached on a topic that I've heard him speak on many times, as it it was the true basis of his life-long ministry and my upbringing - the importance of fighting for social justice.

Then it came time for the communion. I immediately noticed that this church did communion different than anything I'd experienced. When they offer the bread and juice - the place it in each person's mouth, lean forward, place their hands around the person's shoulders and pray with them. Each person is prayed for individually. It is a private prayer, only those in the immediate group can hear the words. It was special - it was clear to all who participated. My dad expected me to go with him. I got nervous at the last minute and told him I'd not be taking communion. He had an expresion on his face that I can't quite explain. I'm not sure what the emotion was- surprise, disappointment, sadness? I saw him walk up there on his own. And this is when the beginning of my spiritual moment occured. I looked at him - and had the strongest urge in my gut to join him. I heard a message - I'm not sure exactly what it was - it could have been "you need me" or "he needs you" - either way - I knew I needed to be with him. I jumped from my seat and hurried up to him. Thankfully he caught my eye and saw that I asked him to wait.

I've never had someone pray over me in quite this personal of a way. I've participated in many prayers - I've offered prayers - but never has someone touched me so tenderly and held me while praying over me. I cried - and cried. I had my arm around my dad's back - and just held on to him. I let the tears flow freely. It was a freeing experience.

Since then - I've wondered why this meant so much to me, whether it was my Dad's cancer - and the seriousness of this week as he plans to journey to Houston again for what we hope is his final surgery. I'm trying not to over-analyze this - as I tend to do. So for now I'm just enjoying this beautiful moment I had with God, my dad, and some very loving strangers.

The love for a man

I sit here with tears in my eyes. I'm reading the guestbook of my Dad's Caring Bridge journal that he uses to share with friends and family about his journey with cancer.

This man means the world to me. My father is an amazing person. I've known this for as long as I can remember. But somehow I'm just so touched tonight by all the other people in his life, most that I don't even know that care about him.

He is my Dad. I'm supposed to love him, understand him, and appreciate him. But seeing all of the other people in his life that care about him so deeply and are joining him on his journey is just very touching to me.